Yet while all this is going on I also have three A-levels and an AS to study for, plus rowing and trying to get in some sleep (if possible). Society always tells us to 'live in the moment' and not to wish away your life but I swear we're forever planning what to do in the future? The thing is, only a minority of people my age know exactly what they want to do! Yes, I know I want to help people. I want to live in London. I want to enjoy life. And overall I want to be happy. But I'm still unsure as to what it is I can do and what I will end up doing. No-one can predict the future but it would definitely be useful if they could. But then would that spoil the surprise and mystery of life? What if you didn't like how life turned out for you?
I recently spent three days coaching at a J14 rowing training camp and I don't think I've ever enjoyed something so much. I had responsibility and became really good friends with all the girls. I even learnt things about myself and I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I also saw a different side to my coaches which was really nice and they treated me just as another coach and not just 'one of the rowers'. I could definitely see myself doing something like this in the future but then I don't believe that I have the right to coach people. Perhaps if (and I this is a major IF) I am to ever reach GB level and gain a GB vest then I might reconsider that statement. But at the moment I feel like I have so much to work on myself with my own rowing that I perhaps don't have the authority to tell others what to do. I also worry that I'm too bossy!
Then the other side of me thinks back to my undying love for psychology and my interest in the brain, mental illness and how we behave as humans. But then I feel so uneducated on the subject I don't feel I can say yet what it is I want to do with psychology and where it will take me?
I often think about how I could combine rowing and psychology... a sports psychologist perhaps? But then I think of my mentality when it comes to rowing and often I lack the self-belief that is essential at high-level competition. I always need people (specifically my coaches) to tell me I can do it and that I am good enough. The lack of self-belief then makes me wonder why I am Captain if I have such negative thoughts about myself and rowing? I should be setting an example and spreading positivity. Thinking about it I often give people advice that I really should take myself but somehow I never do.
But my lack of self-belief and confidence is present in my non-rowing life too. I need constant reassurance that an outfit looks okay, or that my hair or makeup isn't a mess. I frequently avoid social situations for the fear of embarrassing myself and when people first meet me I clam up and struggle to formulate words purely because I despise my voice.
Things like this shouldn't matter and I hate that I let them affect my life sometimes.
I realise I have written a lot of questions that I don't think anyone really has an answer to, or at least the answers I want. I also realise that I have completely veered off the subject of 'the future' (sorry!) I guess this post was more of a ramble of what is currently festering in my brain. There is a lot more I have to say but I can't and won't due to the fact that some are secrets I will (probably) never tell and some that I won't simply because it's boring and won't interest anyone!
I really do hope to blog more, I just need to better manage my time. Do you have any idea where life is taking you? Or are you just as lost as I am? Or more?
Much Love
Charlotte
XO
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