Dear Thirty Year Old Me

Dear thirty year old me, 

Well, 17 year old me isn't really sure where to begin....

I feel like I should start from where I am heading soon...university. I don't feel old enough to be going to university, it feels like only last week I was starting secondary school. Anyway, I hope university, wherever you ended up, was amazing. I hope you made the most of it, making new friends, rowing (of course) and gained so much experience from it. Knowing you it took you a while to settle in and feel comfortable in new surroundings with strangers but I'm sure you took it all in your stride. I'm sure there are moments that you'd rather forget ever happened but I know there are hundreds that you'd love to relive.

I don't know what you did after uni, whether you decided to continue studying or you got a job but I hope you enjoyed it. Right now I have no idea what to do after university. I am fully aware of what I enjoy (and what I don't) but I have no clue about exactly what it is that I want to do. Don't worry though, I'm not panicking just yet! I really hope that you are happy in what ever you are doing now, a psychologist,  a rowing coach, a stay-at-home mum, anything. 

I guess I hope you've settled down by now. I know for many people a family isn't a priority but for me it always has been. I really really hope he treats you well whoever he is, I hope he treats you how you deserve and spoils you. Perhaps you even have children by now? I know you'll be a good mum. If you don't, there's no need to worry, everything happens when it is meant to.

One thing I do hope is that you haven't stopped is rowing, Lets be honest, we were never really that good at sport! But finding rowing was possibly the best thing that has happened to us so far, it is one of the things that keeps me going, when school is stressful I'll just sweat it out. I don't blame you if you've reduced the intensity of training but I'm sure you're still keeping active, even if it is because it allows you to eat all the chocolate (you have ALWAYS had a sweet tooth!). 

On the topic of rowing, you must have stayed in contact with some of the rowers at least? They are a second family to me and (so far) they are probably some of the best people I have met. You mustn't have forgotten some of your school friends though, they've been with you through thick and thin. I realise you will have many new friends, but please keep in touch with the old ones! If you haven't do it now. Message them on Facebook, or whatever new social network there is! It is always good to reminisce. 

To say that I love One Direction right now is probably an understatement and as much as I really hope that they're still together, who knows what happens in 13 years? If they are I'm sure you still love them and I'm sure you'll still be getting teased about it to this day! But who cares right? I can only wonder what Harry's hair looks like, or how many new tattoos they all have and what their new music is like! 

I guess the main point of this letter, thirty year old me, is that I hope you're happy. A lot of people have told you to stand up for yourself more because you just accept what people have to say too often. Don't let people get the better of you because YOU are the most important person. If you're not happy I know there are people who surround you, friends and family, who love you dearly. Including me. 

Much Love

Charlotte

XO

*This is a very different post and it took a very long time to write. Please give me some feedback in the comments because I'd love to know what you all think! 

The Future

The Future. It's unknown. It's scary. It's what you make it. It's a word I've heard a lot of recently. Perhaps too much. I'm at that stage of my education where UCAS applications and university choices fill your head and too much information is pumped into you by school. Already people I know have received one, if not more, offers from universities while I have't even decided my choices yet! I honestly struggle to decide to what to do day-to-day, how on earth can I make a decision on where I want to study, live and row for at least three years, that will then set me up for my future career. 

Yet while all this is going on I also have three A-levels and an AS to study for, plus rowing and trying to get in some sleep (if possible). Society always tells us to 'live in the moment' and not to wish away your life but I swear we're forever planning what to do in the future? The thing is, only a minority of people my age know exactly what they want to do! Yes, I know I want to help people. I want to live in London. I want to enjoy life. And overall I want to be happy. But I'm still unsure as to what it is I can do and what I will end up doing. No-one can predict the future but it would definitely be useful if they could. But then would that spoil the surprise and mystery of life? What if you didn't like how life turned out for you? 

I recently spent three days coaching at a J14 rowing training camp and I don't think I've ever enjoyed something so much. I had responsibility and became really good friends with all the girls. I even learnt things about myself and I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I also saw a different side to my coaches which was really nice and they treated me just as another coach and not just 'one of the rowers'. I could definitely see myself doing something like this in the future but then I don't believe that I have the right to coach people. Perhaps if (and I this is a major IF) I am to ever reach GB level and gain a GB vest then I might reconsider that statement. But at the moment I feel like I have so much to work on myself with my own rowing that I perhaps don't have the authority to tell others what to do. I also worry that I'm too bossy! 

Then the other side of me thinks back to my undying love for psychology and my interest in the brain, mental illness and how we behave as humans. But then I feel so uneducated on the subject I don't feel I can say yet what it is I want to do with psychology and where it will take me? 

I often think about how I could combine rowing and psychology... a sports psychologist perhaps? But then I think of my mentality when it comes to rowing and often I lack the self-belief that is essential at high-level competition. I always need people (specifically my coaches) to tell me I can do it and that I am good enough. The lack of self-belief then makes me wonder why I am Captain if I have such negative thoughts about myself and rowing? I should be setting an example and spreading positivity. Thinking about it I often give people advice that I really should take myself but somehow I never do. 

But my lack of self-belief and confidence is present in my non-rowing life too. I need constant reassurance that an outfit looks okay, or that my hair or makeup isn't a mess. I frequently avoid social situations for the fear of embarrassing myself  and when people first meet me I clam up and struggle to formulate words purely because I despise my voice.

Things like this shouldn't matter and I hate that I let them affect my life sometimes. 

I realise I have written a lot of questions that I don't think anyone really has an answer to, or at least the answers I want. I also realise that I have completely veered off the subject of 'the future' (sorry!) I guess this post was more of a ramble of what is currently festering in my brain. There is a lot more I have to say but I can't and won't due to the fact that some are secrets I will (probably) never tell and some that I won't simply because it's boring and won't interest anyone! 

I really do hope to blog more, I just need to better manage my time. Do you have any idea where life is taking you? Or are you just as lost as I am? Or more? 

Much Love

Charlotte

XO