Grieving

I lost my dog today. We knew he was old, he'd become half blind, a little deaf, had arthritis and he'd lost a lot of his old energy but he was still plodding along happily. But last night I came downstairs and he was just not himself. He didn't get excited when I sat down with him and he didn't even eat cheese which is so unlike him as cheese is always his favourite food! We came down the next morning (this morning) to find he'd had 2 accidents and he was lying pretty lifeless on his favourite beanbag. I tried to get him to move but he wouldn't. I then got him some water which he lapped up so quickly, he was obviously thirsty as he hadn't been able to move. I immediately knew something was wrong, my instincits were telling me so and I generally always follow my gut instinct. I rang the vet without hesitation and they had an appointment free so we took him in. I had to carry him to the car and then sit in the back with him to keep him company, I think he appreciated that. Once in the vets we were waiting about 10 minutes and then she saw him. Instantly she knew he was very sick. His gums were pale (sign of illness and poor blood circulation), he had a heart murmur and an abnormally swollen abdomen. The conclusion was that he was bleeding into his abdomen and that was causing him a lot of pain. She could have put a needle in to get some of the fluid out in order to test it to see what it was but my poor doggy was in so much pain already we decided putting him to sleep was the kindest but most heartbreaking thing. I of course broke down immediatley. I said my goodbyes to him, gave him one last hug and a kiss and left the room. I couldn't face being with him when he died even though I knew he wouldn't be in pain anymore. *break while I stop crying so I can actually see what I'm typing again*

This was the first death I've ever properly experienced in my life, that I am old enough to remember and actually acknowledge what it means. Obviously I realise it doesn't compare to the death of a loved human family member but I do know it hurts a lot. I've tried to keep myself busy all day but every now and again I stop and it comes back to me that my best friend is gone. He was always downstairs if I ever needed a hug or just someone to ramble to and now he's not there anymore and it's so sad. I don't know how to cope with grief because I've never properly experienced it before so I don't know what to do. How long is it acceptable to cry for? Is it weird that I've taken his favourite toy because it still smells like him? 

Right now I'm crying again because I'm thinking of him so maybe hte best thing is to try and not think about him but then I feel bad because I should be missing him. When he was alive (wow that is hard to write) I'd always feel bad if I didn't spend a lot of time with him in the week or I didn't take him out for a walk. I'd always make up for it by lying on the sofa with him for hours and hours just reading a book or watching a film. I hate that I'll never do that with him again and I hate how my last memory of him is him in a lot of pain. But then I have so many good memories like him running round our old garden at 100mph, chasing and barking at balls or just taking him for a walk. I hate that I ever got angry at him though, I really regret that because most of the time I'm sure he couldn't help it. So I'm sorry Fly if you can see this up in doggy heaven. 

If you have any tips on coping with pets passing away I'd be very grateful.

Thanks for reading

Charlotte

XO

My gorgeous boy <3