Anxiety

Hi everyone! This post is very personal to me and it's something I haven't told many people so putting it on the internet probably isn't the best idea. I'm not even sure if I'm going to post this, we'll see.

I was first diagnosed with anxiety when I was 14. I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't breath, I was sat bolt upright gasping for air and I got so scared. I then went on holiday and, for the 4 days I was away, every single day I had a strange feeling in my stomach and I found breathing really difficult. I finally plucked up the courage to tell my parents and after numerous tests and discovering nothing was wrong with me the doctor diagnosed anxiety. However they didn't really explain what it was so most of what I'm aware of today is through my own research and studying psychology. 

I get anxious and worked up over a few things such as doing big ergo tests or exams but worst of all is social situations. I really struggle to cope with them. I've always been a very shy, insecure and quiet person. I keep myself to myself and I never show off about anything. I struggle when I meet new people as I'm worried about what they'll think of me. I worry what people I know well think of me. I get scared asking people for things in case I inconvenience them. And I hate to burden people with my problems which is why only a small handful of people know about my anxiety. 

When I say I'm feeling anxious the most common question to follow is 'why?' Or 'what's there to be anxious about?'. For me that is the most difficult question to answer and my most common response is simply 'I don't know' as it saves further questioning. But the real answer is probably quite long. The fear of being laughed at. The fear of being judged, of not fitting in, of looking silly or embarrassing myself. The fear of being inadequate. Being surrounded by girls so much prettier than me and feeling so ugly and worthless. The fear of getting hurt and letting people see who I really am and not liking me. As I write this out I feel so over dramatic and it's this feeling that is the reason I never tell people anything. I don't want them to think I'm silly and pathetic. I'm yet to find someone in real life who feels how I do. I've read things online that describe slightly how I feel but when people describe their panic attacks they don't seem the same as mine. Most of my attacks are long and I cry, struggle to breathe, get a headache and feel sick. Most people seem to experience stomach pains and other symptoms which makes me think I'm making all of these feelings up and that I am actually being ridiculous. 

I often wonder why I can't be a confident person and be everyone's friend and just fit in. Life would be so much easier for me. I don't want to be seen as the moody, antisocial one who is always sat on the outskirts of friendship groups because she doesn't fit into a 'clique'. It sucks. You see the posts on tumblr/twitter/Facebook saying 'being the friend who is always walking behind the group ' or words of similar meaning and they accurately describe what happens to me. Unless I talk to someone they won't talk to me. I'm the last person to get an invite somewhere (if I'm even invited) and I am always left out. People I consider 'best friends' have numerous other 'best friends' which they are a lot closer to.

But I often wonder if this is all self inflicted. If I acted like I had confidence would I be more popular and not be so anxious all the time? If I just tried a little be harder to step out of my comfort zone would it be okay? And 'I don't know' is the answer and right now I'm too scared to find out. 

Rereading through this I realise I sound pathetic and I really don't know whether or not to post this. If you read this hoping I had a cure for anxiety or some helpful tips I don't and I'm sorry. I really wish I did but it's such a mystery to me. After reading Zoella's 'Just Say Yes' post I tried to step out of my comfort zone more but I struggled so much with it. Unless there is alcohol inside me my comfort zone is rather restricted. And I don't know if I even enjoy getting so drunk, again I'm scared of getting hurt. But in my generation not drinking is considered weird so there I am standing out and being different again (as if being 6ft 2 tall wasn't enough). 

Thank you if you have read this. I know it wasn't exactly chirpy but I want this blog to be about me and show who I am and anxiety(unfortunately) is currently a dominant part of my life. 

*update* I think I'm learning how to overcome it. I'm slowly understanding what is triggering the panic attacks and so I'm prepared for when I might have one. I'm learning to think different thoughts and be a more confident person and it is definitely helping. 

Much Love

Charlotte 

XO

Rowing Update!

Hi everyone! Thought I'd fill you in with a little rowing update! As I mentioned in my 'Life of a Rower' post I trialled for Wales in April and I've got a seat in the Women's junior coxed four and the eight for Home International Regatta this weekend! The four is my old J16 four and it feels so good to be back together! We've been training so hard and had a few wobbles and disappointing sessions but we're all so happy with how the boat is moving now. 

The eight, however, is a completely different crew comprised of girls from Kings School, Chester. Two weeks ago I went to Chester to meet them and bond with them and to try and gel as a crew. Being the only new girl in the boat was quite daunting when I arrived but thankfully a cox from my club accompanied me which made me feel a little less awkward! I was put at three but as the boat is tandem rigged I was on stroke side, opposite to my usual bow side! For the first session I was fine, we did eyes closed/eyes open and some high rate exercises e.g. half slide for 10 strokes then keep the rate up and go to full slide for 10. The next day we did more of the same, gelling as a crew and enjoying being back in an 8. However, my hands began to not enjoy the outing as much as I was and soon enough I had a large blood blister (the most unattractive thing I've ever seen) on my right hand. As I'm accustomed to bow side, altering my hands was challenging, instead of using the outside (left) hand to pull the blade in I was using my inside hand as on bow side that is my outside hand. The result of this was numerous open, painful blisters that made squaring/feathering rather difficult. 

With copious amounts of electrical tape I contiued to train with the girls. We managed to fit in some sightseeing (Chester is such a pretty place) and a lovely picnic by the river on the last day. Our last outing was going to be 500m pieces to practice the 2k. However an invisible log in the water had other ideas and decided to remove our fin before we had finished our warm up. This meant a 30 minute spin bike, 3mins @ steady state followed by 1min @ a higher gear and faster pace. It was a dramatic way to end the trip!

Now with four days to go until race day it's safe to say I'm getting nervous. We have no idea how good the competition are going to be and how we compare. I think we can be sure that we'll have a fight on our hands. I'm fed up of not getting a medal despite training so hard so fingers crossed this additional hard work will pay off! 

Thank you for reading this week's post. I'll update you on how we get on sometime next week after a day or two of continuous sleep as I know i'm going to be shattered! 

Much Love

Charlotte

xo

Summer Ball

Hello everyone! 

For many of you prom/ball season is now over and for me it is too. Last Saturday (28th June) was my first ever ball. I didn't really know what to expect. I was excited but also very nervous. I'd had a spray tan the day before and in general it looked okay if not a little too orange (live and learn!). By midday I had my friends come over to get ready and I was still unsure of hairstyle, makeup and nail colour! The only certainty was my dress! 

Eventually I found a wrap around plait look with curls and I loved it (even if, due to my ridiculously heavy hair, the curls were more like waves by the time I actually got to the ball!). For my makeup I chose to keep it simple with a brown smoky eye as heavy black makeup just doesn't suit me. However, I did use black eyeliner and I decided to try the Maybelline New York 'Master Precise' liquid eyeliner. It hugged my lash line perfectly and created a lovely wing which didn't cause me too much hassle! For my lips I used the Kate Moss for Rimmel London Lasting Finish lipstick in 05 (mentioned in my previous post). It stayed on for a decent amount of time, through multiple glasses of wine, Pimms, Prosecco and dinner! 

As my dress was blue and silver I decided on white nails using the Rimmel London 60 Seconds 'White Hot Love' from the new Rita Ora collection. I was surprised that I only needed to apply two coats to get an even coverage. With the addition of the quick drying I highly recommend this nail polish! 

I'm not really a huge jewellery fan so I kept it simple with silver earrings and  rings (two of which I think I lost during the dancing). Due to a special occasion at school the ball was masquerade and while I had dreamt of having a gorgeous silver Venetian Filigree mask it didn't arrive in time. So thanks to my mum and an urgent dash to the nearest dress shop she managed to find a silver one. In the end I wore it for about 3 minutes before realising very few people had theirs on and promptly took it off! 

Before leaving the house my mum bought some Prosecco and despite already consuming (rather strong) Pimms we had pre-drinks and pictures. It turned into a complete photo shoot with numerous poses and locations around my house and garden. Then we set off to school where a marquee had been set up. 

The ball itself consisted of a formal sit-down meal which was delicious but it turns out eating chicken and some peas is extremely difficult if you're not sober! This meal was followed by short speeches and then DANCING. We had a live band play and they were amazing. I was a little hesitant before as I've experienced small live bands before and truthfully they were pretty awful! But this band played really current songs (but also some classics thankfully) and everyone seemed to really enjoy themselves. The dancing went far too quickly and before we knew it we were being told to leave. 

However, the night didn't stop there. We decided to go back to a friend's house for a while before heading home. Unfortunately this friend lives at the top of a hill and walking up a hill with sore feet and being intoxicated is extremely difficult. I vaguely remember falling onto a wall numerous times and one of my closest friends walking up the middle of the road wearing shoes 7 sizes too big. Eventually we made it there alive and spent a while chatting and having fun before it was time to head home. 

Now I remember coming home and getting into bed yet I have no recollection of getting undressed, taking off my makeup or taking out my contact lenses (a tricky job even when 100% sober) and neither do my friends. It is highly likely I exposed too much when getting changed as my dress was backless so I went bra-less! I was also unable to undo my dress by myself so someone must have helped me?! 

I can safely say it was the best night I've had in a very long time. It was the perfect way to round of a generally good school year. I've only got one week left of year 12 and then I'm in my final year! I don't feel old enough yet to be going to university or thinking about my future! I've already attended 3 open days and i have enjoyed them all so my decision is going to be extremely difficult! 

A few photos from the night.......

Thank you for reading this week's post. I'll see you soon! 

Much Love

Charlotte

xo