Anxiety

Hi everyone! This post is very personal to me and it's something I haven't told many people so putting it on the internet probably isn't the best idea. I'm not even sure if I'm going to post this, we'll see.

I was first diagnosed with anxiety when I was 14. I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't breath, I was sat bolt upright gasping for air and I got so scared. I then went on holiday and, for the 4 days I was away, every single day I had a strange feeling in my stomach and I found breathing really difficult. I finally plucked up the courage to tell my parents and after numerous tests and discovering nothing was wrong with me the doctor diagnosed anxiety. However they didn't really explain what it was so most of what I'm aware of today is through my own research and studying psychology. 

I get anxious and worked up over a few things such as doing big ergo tests or exams but worst of all is social situations. I really struggle to cope with them. I've always been a very shy, insecure and quiet person. I keep myself to myself and I never show off about anything. I struggle when I meet new people as I'm worried about what they'll think of me. I worry what people I know well think of me. I get scared asking people for things in case I inconvenience them. And I hate to burden people with my problems which is why only a small handful of people know about my anxiety. 

When I say I'm feeling anxious the most common question to follow is 'why?' Or 'what's there to be anxious about?'. For me that is the most difficult question to answer and my most common response is simply 'I don't know' as it saves further questioning. But the real answer is probably quite long. The fear of being laughed at. The fear of being judged, of not fitting in, of looking silly or embarrassing myself. The fear of being inadequate. Being surrounded by girls so much prettier than me and feeling so ugly and worthless. The fear of getting hurt and letting people see who I really am and not liking me. As I write this out I feel so over dramatic and it's this feeling that is the reason I never tell people anything. I don't want them to think I'm silly and pathetic. I'm yet to find someone in real life who feels how I do. I've read things online that describe slightly how I feel but when people describe their panic attacks they don't seem the same as mine. Most of my attacks are long and I cry, struggle to breathe, get a headache and feel sick. Most people seem to experience stomach pains and other symptoms which makes me think I'm making all of these feelings up and that I am actually being ridiculous. 

I often wonder why I can't be a confident person and be everyone's friend and just fit in. Life would be so much easier for me. I don't want to be seen as the moody, antisocial one who is always sat on the outskirts of friendship groups because she doesn't fit into a 'clique'. It sucks. You see the posts on tumblr/twitter/Facebook saying 'being the friend who is always walking behind the group ' or words of similar meaning and they accurately describe what happens to me. Unless I talk to someone they won't talk to me. I'm the last person to get an invite somewhere (if I'm even invited) and I am always left out. People I consider 'best friends' have numerous other 'best friends' which they are a lot closer to.

But I often wonder if this is all self inflicted. If I acted like I had confidence would I be more popular and not be so anxious all the time? If I just tried a little be harder to step out of my comfort zone would it be okay? And 'I don't know' is the answer and right now I'm too scared to find out. 

Rereading through this I realise I sound pathetic and I really don't know whether or not to post this. If you read this hoping I had a cure for anxiety or some helpful tips I don't and I'm sorry. I really wish I did but it's such a mystery to me. After reading Zoella's 'Just Say Yes' post I tried to step out of my comfort zone more but I struggled so much with it. Unless there is alcohol inside me my comfort zone is rather restricted. And I don't know if I even enjoy getting so drunk, again I'm scared of getting hurt. But in my generation not drinking is considered weird so there I am standing out and being different again (as if being 6ft 2 tall wasn't enough). 

Thank you if you have read this. I know it wasn't exactly chirpy but I want this blog to be about me and show who I am and anxiety(unfortunately) is currently a dominant part of my life. 

*update* I think I'm learning how to overcome it. I'm slowly understanding what is triggering the panic attacks and so I'm prepared for when I might have one. I'm learning to think different thoughts and be a more confident person and it is definitely helping. 

Much Love

Charlotte 

XO