Strong Not Skinny

Probably since I was around 10-11 years old I've been worried about my appearance. I was a goofy, lanky, spotty, greasy-haired young teenager and I hated how I looked. From then on it kind of only got worse and I ended up pretty much hating every part of myself. I was obsessed about being stick thin and for ages I was following loads of 'thinspo' blogs on tumblr because all I wanted was to be as thin as the models and I wasn't which made me so unbelievably self conscious.

While I do still want to be skinny and I still look at my body and get frustrated at things I see, I am a lot happier with my appearance than I have probably ever been. I still see people on tumblr or instagram with the most incredible figures and they're so skinny but still have good boobs and bum and I'm so jealous of them but I know that's probably not the best body shape for me or the shape I am meant to be.

If I want to be a strong athlete I need to have a different body shape to the likes of Kendall Jenner or Karlie Kloss with their tiny waists and skinny legs. I need muscle and a bit of weight on me so I'm stronger and I can produce the most power. So I'm starting to worry less about the size of my waist. I've kind of re-evaluated my life and I've decided it's more important for me to be strong than skinny. I'm trying my hardest to eat well; wholewheat pasta, lots of protein, veg and cutting down on my sugar but it is hard. This week has probably been a bad week, I've snacked a lot which I shouldn't have and I've eaten more sugar than I should've but everyone has bad weeks. I have to keep it all in perspective. Some weeks will be really good, others will be not so good but it's completely about balance. I'm still working out loads, I'm training hard and I'm really pushing myself. 

Aside from that I'm learning to accept that everyone has a different body shape and it is okay. Maybe I'm not meant to be that skinny girl with the 24 inch waist and narrow hips. But that is okay, it's hard to accept when I would love to look like that, but it is okay. Just like it's okay that I currently have a little more fat on me and my bum isn't as Kim K as I would like it to be. The main thing is I'm actually trying to change it. I have a new weights programme, I'm trying my best to eat well and I'm working out to skim off some of the fat. 

Waiting to see the change from the work I'm putting in is one of the hardest things. I do lots of ab exercises but it's taking a while to see a change and it'll take a while to see a difference so patience is definitely key! 

At the end of the day your body is your body and you have every right to be happy with it. It's likely to take some time, maybe even years but don't base your idea of perfect on someone else, just be you

! 

Thanks for Reading

Charlotte

XO

Makeup Revolution Redemption Palette Iconic 3 / Review

It's been months and months since a sole makeup post, probably because I haven't found something I could write a whole post about but this eyeshadow palette is something special. I wish I'd taken pictures of the palette before I used it but I forgot so sorry for the slightly less-than pretty pictures! 

I've been so desperate for any Makeup Revolution products for about 7-8 months since the brand first really blew the makeup world away with the quality but ridiculously low prices. The eyeshadow palettes were the first things I set my eyes on and the main things I really wanted to buy so it only seems fitting that it was the gorgeous Redemption Palette Iconic 3 that I chose! 

This palette has 12 shades ranging from rose-gold tomes to darker brown shimmers and grey tones. I LOVE IT. I pretty much chose it soley for the pink-copper tones, I've got the Urban Decay Naked Palette so I didn't really want any more browny-neutral shades and I felt my makeup collection was lacking pinks and rose-goldy tones. Now it is the first palette I reach for on a daily basis. 

The shades don't seem to have names but I have some definite favourites. The brown shimmer tones are quite deceiving, when I first used them I expected a brown shimmer but they come out with much more pink undertones than I was prepared for but I love them. 

My most used shade is probably the matte pink-brown shade. It's the perfect 'no makeup' makeup look and I tend to wear this to work, on the days when I can be bothered to put on a bit more makeup! The matte shade applied gently to the eyelid adds a little colour but is simple and not OTT for a day at work.

Swatches- which are surprisingly difficult to get right! 

The staying power of the shadows is INCREDIBLE. I wore it for a night out, got home and forgot to take my makeup off (naughty I know but I was tired ok). I woke the next morning, had to rush out to work and didn't have time to take it off and freshen up my makeup but I got home an hour later and I was so surprised to see that the shadows literally had not moved. Not even a tiny millimetre. The highlighting shade was exactly where I left it, the crease shade was still there and the main base shadow hadn't budged. 

The pigmentation is also pretty decent. I actually had to re-do my eye makeup the other day because I under-estimated how pigmented the shade would be. I put a fairly decent amount on my brush, started to apply it to my lids and I was shocked at how pigmented it was! 

One thing I'm not a fan of is the double-ended applicator it comes with. I HATE these things so much as I never found a decent use for one because the application is horrible. But, I used one end when I forgot one of my eyeshadow brushes and had to use it under my eyes and it worked relatively well so it's not all bad! Another slight negative is that some shades, particularly the mattes can be a little crumbly when applying the shadow to your brush. However, if you just pat your brush over it you can collect it up and apply it to your eyes, wasting is not an option. 

I cannot recommend this palette more and I can't wait to buy more Makeup Revolution products in the very near future. Such great products for such a cheap price you really can't go wrong! 

Thanks for Reading

Charlotte

XO

Be Brave

There's a phrase one of my coaches used to say all the time when we were on the ergs which really motivated me. He'd say 'be brave'. He'd tell us push through the pain and believe in yourself and it's something I'm trying to put into my real life.

For about 2-3 years I let anxiety control me, I stayed within my comfort zone and didn't challenge myself. I just wasn't brave. I kind of remained in my shell and didn't venture out of it unless I was with friends I trusted with my life. But since I've been thrown head first into the adult world I'm feeling more confident and I'm learning to be brave and just put myself out there (but not in that way!). 

I basically have no choice but to be confident now, I can't just get my mum to do everything for me, I'm a real life adult now. But being confident and brave is quite a new thing to me but I like it. I don't feel as anxious (there's still some anxiety there) in new situations or meeting new people, I actually feel comfortable doing it. I don't shy away from giving my opinion and speaking up when I have something to say and it's great. 

Being brave takes some courage but it's so worth it for the results. I've never felt more in control of my life and generally happy with the direction it is taking (aside from worrying about UCAS, resitting and reapplying to uni). I think what I mean is in my actual self and who I'm becoming as a person is actually someone I like! 

When it comes to being brave, to quote Nike, just do it. If you think for too long you'll talk yourself out of it so just say yes! You never know you may actually have a good time and meet new people and make friends. Or it may not work out but you'll have learnt from it so it's never a bad thing! Being brave means you take a risk, you risk being judged or wrong or even being hurt but 99% of the time nothing like that will happen and if someone does judge you then that's there problem not yours! If you can just let go and enjoy yourself then that's what really matters.

But being brave doesn't mean you can't worry at all, it's okay to worry and it's not a bad thing but you can't let it hold you back. One thing my trail guide in SA said that's been one of the main things I've kept with me since the trip is 'Don't let fear hold you back'. From experience I also know to not let it hold me back as some of my best memories come from situations I was so nervous about to begin with but once I was there or once I'd done it I had the best time! If you let fear hold you back you'll never really live. You'll stay in your sheltered, safe life which is fine occasionally but it is so important just to live. Spend time with friends. Meet new people. Go new places and don't let anything hold you back. You just have to be B R A V E. 

I found this and like it very much: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shyness-is-nice/201305/50-ways-you-can-be-brave-today 

Thanks for reading,

Charlotte

XO

Trust In Change

My favourite vlogging family, The Michalaks, always start their vlogs with a quote or a little motivational phrase and this weeks was quite apt for what I wanted to blog about. 

'Trust in Change'

I used to hate change. For years I have had a set routine for every day of every week and it worked. I'd get up at the same time, go to school and training at the same time and I'd get home and sleep at the same time. My school days had an exact routine that I followed every week. To a lot of people this probably sounds so boring but I'm not saying each day was like groundhog day and I did do a lot of spontaneous things, but  security and continuity are things I definitely need in my life. 

So, when it came to moving to a completely new city, 3 hours away from my family and only knowing a few people who would soon be leaving anyway, it's safe to say I was so far out of my comfort zone. Aside from the aspect of moving to a new place, I was also starting a whole new job in the real adult world and it was a huge step up from being in my sheltered school environment and living at home where my parents did so much for me.

But I have started to settle in, and yes I do have a routine but a change has been so good for me. I already feel so much more confident, I'm learning more about myself and what I'm capable of and I feel so independent, like I can actually survive as an adult. Admittedly it is early days and I know there are a lot of mistakes to be made on the way but this change has definitely been a good thing. 

So why is change a good thing?  Well, it allows you to grow and develop as you experience new things and new people. Getting away from my old environment was one of the best decisions. I could've stayed at home and got a crappy waitress job and not met people that can actually help me with my goals and dreams like I already have here. Additionally, it helps you realise what is most important to you in life and it opens doors to new opportunities, encounters and meeting new people. I've done so much in one month and met so many new people and made new connections I just know it's going to be such a positive gap year for me and not going through clearing was the right decision! 

So welcome change, don't fear it. Allow it to happen and don't resist it. You never know, it may be the best thing that's ever happened to you! 

Thanks for reading,

Charlotte

XO

Why I Love the Wilderness

I've always loved nature and animals. As a child I spent 80-90% of my time outside, riding horses, playing in the garden or going on walks. So when I went to South Africa I LOVED being with nature

We spent a 5 days and 4 nights in the wilderness, in a nature reserve called Umfolozi which was just outside Durban. 1/3 of the reserve is closed off to the public and only a few trails are allowed in, I was lucky enough to be on one of those trails. 

We had a short drive into the reserve and we soon came to the end of the road for our transport. We had a quick lunch, arranged our bags and then we were off, waving goodbye to the other group and contact with the outside world. Within the first 10 minutes of walking we saw rhino prints, a rhino midden (Basically an area where they come back to poo!) and then a breeding herd of 20-30 elephants! On top of that we passed hippos, buffalo, impala and nyala! It was completely overwhelming and it took a while to set in that this was my home for the next few days. I was scared, oh my god I was so scared. Every potential noise made me flinch and I kept my eyes peeled for lions and rhino. But it was an exhilarating feeling. I remember first seeing the elephants and I was terrified there would charge at us but I was also mesmerised by their peacefulness and playfullness. The babies were messing about in the water and the adults were slowly moving across the river, it's a scene I'll never forget. 

Our first camp was just above the river and we could hear some animals below in the water but unfortunately couldn't see them. We made our first dinner and got to know each other more and then it was time to start night watch. It was during my first nightwatch that I first felt at peace and so unbelievably calm in such a long time. I could hear a lion roaring in the distance, some animals drinking in the river and all I could see was the moon and the stars in the ridiculously clear (and lacking any light pollution) sky. 

1st camp at sunrise and sunset

From then on we had routine jobs we'd all do but they were only little things. The rest of the time I could really immerse myself in South Africa and nature. We walked in silence so we wouldn't scare off any possible animals around us and it gave me such a good opportunity to think and not worry about anything. On the way to SA I had worried I'd get worried and have panic attacks but nothing happened at all and I felt completely the opposite. I think it was in the wilderness I began to really accept myself and feel more confident. I realise the scale of this cliche but it's true. Nature, or more specifically the South African wilderness, does something indescribable to you that just changes you. At the time I didn't really notice anything changing at all but somethings have definitely changed. 

Night watch was actually one of my favourite times. It was the only time I had any privacy and was all to myself so I did actually get really deep into thought sometimes, until I'd hear a crunching of branches and the sound of a large animal's heavy breathing! The stars were beautiful and the brightness of the moon is just indescribable!  But my all time favourite moment was seeing a male giraffe walk towards us as the sun was setting. OH MY GOD it was genuine magic. He was so graceful and majestic yet so powerful with that. Ugh I'm getting post-trail blues just thinking about it but it is one memory that will never leave me which is good because I didn't manage to get a very decent picture of him due to the fading light. 

Spot the giraffe! 

It was also so nice not to have my phone. I know people won't believe me when I say that but it was! Not knowing the time, as we had not watches or electronics was so refreshing. We simply used the position of the sun to estimate the time but didn't rush at all, we simply glided through with no real importance of time (except sunset for obvious reasons). I did miss music a little bit but I did love hearing so many birds and animals and not hearing cars!! Going back into civilisation was actually surprisingly loud and it genuinely took a while for me to adjust back into it! 

While I'm so disappointed I didn't see any lions or leopards, (even though one lion was less than 10m away from me and I couldn't quite see her!) I am so grateful to have seen all these other animals. I've always been a HUGE animal lover and actually being in the wilderness with wild animals roaming around us. It was so crazy seeing hyenas which aren't actually what I pictured previously at all, Lion King lies!!  And the eyes of the crocs in the river at night just blinking back at you is quite an experience (so was crossing in the river just 50m above them). Wow all the memories are flooding back now, I could probably talk about this for days but the only way you can truly understand what I'm saying is if you visit the place for yourself. Not on stupid tourist safaris which intrude on nature and are just there for people to make money. But go on trails with the 'leave no trace' motto and just immerse yourself in nature. 

One of the many thousands of baboons we saw

If you want to use the Wilderness Leadership School here is their link:  http://www.wildernesstrails.org.za/trails

Hope you enjoyed my little taster of the SA wilderness! 

Who wouldn't love a view like this?

Thanks for reading,

Charlotte

XO

Dealing with Defeat

Dealing with defeat is never easy and there's no one way that works for all. 

Personally I'm a crier. I let out my emotions in tears and then eventually stop crying and spend the next few days/hours thinking and contemplating. A few months ago was no different. I was racing in a junior coxed four at Women's Henley, the biggest all women's regatta in the world in one of the most beautiful settings and one of my favourite places. 

We had a time trial on Saturday morning to qualify us for the heats which we managed to do. We then proceeded to win our heat with a verdict of 'easily' and were into the quarter finals on Sunday. 

Spirits were high because we'd never got into Sunday racing before and we'd had a fairly solid row but we knew Sunday would be much tougher. We were drawn against an American crew who were quick up of the blocks so we knew our start had to be quick and snappy. On the way to race the next morning, we practiced two starts and they went well, my nerves were calmed a little. But as we lined up on the stake boats the nerves in my tummy almost made me throw up. 

All of a sudden the umpire stood up and it was 'ATTENTION......GO' and we were off. The start wasn't perfectly clean but it was quick and we were ahead which felt good. By the end of Temple Island we were ahead and that had been our main goal. We had distance from them but it wasn't enough. We needed more but we didn't have a working cox box so the calls fell to us, the rowers. 

We needed to push off them but we weren't going together which meant nothing was happening and soon the Americans had caught us, then we were level and then they pushed ahead as we got to the finish. It was the most disappointing feeling in the world. 

We got off the water so disheartened and disappointed that we hadn't won and that the race had been messy. We had a debrief with the coaches who told us exactly what I already knew and then we de-rigged the boat, packed up the trailer and went home. 

Up until then I hadn't cried, I was gutted, absolutely distraught but the tears hadn't come yet. But as soon as I plugged my headphones in I sobbed. I was so upset that that was my last ever race for my school and it hadn't gone to plan. We could've beaten them. We should've beaten them. 

I cried on the bus. I cried driving home (not recommended) and I cried in bed when I got home. But eventually the tears ceased and all I was left with were thoughts. Now in the wrong hands (or mind) thoughts can be dangerous but I try to think of the positives. In every race I do I learn  something new. Something about how to race well. Something about myself. 

I still haven't quite distinguished what I learnt from this race. I think I need to push myself even more than I have ever before, obviously I pushed hard because I have such a strong desire to win but clearly it wasn't good enough. I do know I need to be physically stronger. But I've gained valuable racing experience from it and with any luck the next race I race will be different and we'll get ahead and push off and off until that crew are rowing in our dirty water. 

There is probably more I've learnt but I'm yet to discover it yet. What I do know is that crying is okay, feeling sad is okay but what is most important is that you get back up, dust yourself off and try your hardest to not let it happen again. 

Thanks for reading!

Charlotte

XO